Joys and sorrows of learning Dutch

I departed to Maastricht with this optimistic plan and determination to learn the typical Dutch ‚grunting‘. My initial thoughts were not bad, written Dutch looks like a strange mixture of German and English, which also corresponds with its historical development. Thus, if you master English and have at least some basic knowledge of German like me, Dutch may even seem banal to you. Don’t let yourself be fooled, however, Dutch is a deceptive language.

Once a Dutchwoman or a Dutchman starts talking to you, you are helpless. A written ‘banality’ changes into a hotchpotch of something indescribable, full of the word ‘ch’ and with a distinctly singing intonation. In that very moment it is best to use the good old ‘Excuse me, can you repeat it in English?’. At least that was how I felt while confronting this unknown language for the first time. Fortunately, since then I have made some progress, namely from the ‘lost’ state into the state when I courageously attempt to make contact with somebody in order to lead a simple conversation.

Greeting is probably the easiest thing to learn in every language, including Dutch. When entering a supermarket or when greeting your Dutch friends, you say ‘hoi’ (thus kind of like the Czech ahoj but without the initial a) or ‘dag’ (da:ch, I would liken it to a more polite version of the Czech dobrej). When saying goodbye, you can then either say ‘doei’ (dooi, which is very informal and used more frequently amongst good friends) or ‘tot ziens’ (tot zi:ns, see you).

The first phrase I learned in the Netherlands was ‘Hoe gaat het met je?’ (a Dutch term for How are you? How are you doing?) and it is no surprise. I tis its complexity that makes it stuck in my head forever. I always try to repeat it to every native speaker, whom I meet in Maastricht. Partially to start a conversation, partially because I want to boast about it. This phrase is followed by ‘Mijn naam is Kája.’ (needless to say what it means) or ‘Ik ben Kája.’, then ‘Ik kom uit Tsjechië.’ and ‘Ik ben 20 jaar oud.’. Nevertheless, I do not get to use these often during an ordinary working day. I speak English with my classmates at the faculty, hence I mostly use my knowledge in situations like shopping in a supermarket.

There I like to play a little game with the cashier. I try to answer to all of her questions (Do you have the bonus card? Do you want to pay by card? Do you want the receipt?) in Dutch. In case she does not answer in English, it means I won as I succeeded in pretending the Dutch accent. The situation becomes problematic when she continues in the conversation and asks me about something I am not prepared for (Would you like to have a bag? Would you perhaps like to buy our chewing gum, on which we have discount this week?). In this case, I have to disappoint the cashier, use my secret weapon in the form of the Dutch expression ‚Ik begrijpt het niet‘ (I don’t understand it.) or ‚Spreekt u Engels, alstublieft?‘ (Do you speak English, please?) and inconspicuously switch to English. After that, the only thing left is to say ‚dankjewel‘ (thank you) and leave the supermarket defeated. Additionally, there is this problem with the Maastricht dialect. I have heard from the local inhabitants that Dutch in Maastricht is actually not Dutch anymore and could be a separate language. Well, I am not sure about that, but I will then probably have to learn some of this dialect too. But for now TOT ZIENS, FIJNE DAG NOG!