Trust in yourself

It's been over two years of me trying to overcome depressions triggered by end of the previous relationship. I always had a lot of acquaintances, but only a few I would call friends I could really trust. The trust I had in my partner was really deep and true. The relationship gave me energy, but I was not able to pay that back. At the time this all ended, my brother got seriously ill. These weren't good times, but I hoped its only temporary and all will be fine soon.

I solved that by a lot of means. I managed to stay motivated initially, but my life started to crumble slowly. I spent a whole year in isolation, living on my own, not wanting to see anyone. My grades went up, but mentally, I was getting worse and worse. You know - all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... Nothing made sense to me, everything turned pale.

I secured a great position in Quantum Information over the summer, and programmed at the same time. In some sense however, I was trying to escape from myself. I earned a lot of money to be able to fly around the Europe with work, just to find out it does not fullfil me when I have noone to share with. I simply wanted to close myself into the office to stop thinking about all that I lost. There were no plans ahead, no motivation. A sense of emptiness.

Next year came. I started to get involved in Czech & Slovak society, which helped a lot. I took up a few additional subjects an everything went really well...

... until Christmas came and with them another person trying to convince me how worthless I am.

My mother ended up in a hospital at that time. So instead of relaxing, I somewhat desperatelly looked for support, but did not find any. My parents insisted on me to relax more - and I did. Something inside me was however broken. I was tired and battered.

When I returned to the university, everything was wrong. I panicked, dropped two courses and took up another ones. Then I got the worst mark from a group project ever (so far my record). I got rejected from all PhD positions in the US I applied for. My PhD interview in Oxford went wrong. My master's project I really enjoyed turned to a nightmare as well. And lastly, I really messed up an interview at ETH Zurich last Tuesday.

Given all these circumstances, I am starting to consider a study pause. This could open may doors, but likely close some as well, as the path towards science. Have a look in the article again, how easily can all of this happen. It happened so quickly and so easilly, that it makes me sad.

Why do I even write this? For you, to be careful, lead ballanced life, to trust in people, but more importantly in yourself. I bet you are going to have a way more strength and luck, than I did in this case.

Thanks.