Finding My Footing

However, the road to Prelims had not been easy. I had been doubting myself and my choice of subject and university since the beginning and I had been haunted by uncertainty at every step of the way. In the last term of my first year, when we were meant to prepare for the exams on our own, my doubts and uncertainties began to turn to the worse. I felt overwhelmed by the material and by the little structure the course seemed to have in comparison to what I had been used to back at high school. Together with the doubts I’d been feeling and the sudden lack of a routine in my life, this had caused me to spend most of the term feeling worthless and depressed.

I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep in the evening and get up in the morning, I wouldn’t be able to persuade myself to start working because any effort I would put into doing anything seemed futile. And I would convince myself that there was no need to talk to anyone and ask for help, because I thought the problem was something I needed to fix on my own. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my issues. The less work I did, the worse I’d feel and the less motivation I would have to do anything. Adding to all that were worries about failure in the exams and I kept asking myself if this was the place I wanted to be in. I could not see a way out.

And that was where I was wrong. We all need help sometimes, because we cannot solve all of the problems that bother us alone. This is why we have friends, this is what the welfare system of the university is for. We can’t always feel amazing and on top of things, and it is normal to not feel great at all times, however, when you don’t feel fine for a while, you need to let someone help you. Your perspective becomes narrow and distorted and you need someone to help you see the way out that you yourself cannot spot through the blinds you put over your eyes. Because there is always a solution.

And I pulled through. It took me longer than it should have, but after reaching out to my friends, although there were admittedly a few setbacks, I managed to prepare for Prelims well enough in the time I had left to pass them with a 2.i. I had time over the long summer vacation to think everything through and find a more permanent solution to help me stay on track when my mood would drop. Step by step, I started tidying up all the messes that contributed to my depressive period, I decided to take on a college sport to introduce more routine into my life, I tried to adopt a more worry-free attitude, I came out as bisexual.

In October, I was ready to start the first term of second year, continuing my studies in Philosophy and Economics. While I had a great start of term, establishing a routine for myself, making daily plans and starting rowing for the college, the term didn’t go as smoothly as planned. After two weeks, I fell ill with the flu which had a serious impact on my ability to work. The illness allowed all the worries and low feelings from the end of first year to creep back into my life and I experienced a setback mid-term. But this time was different. This time, I knew how to get back up and eventually, I managed to do just that. I got back to the routines of the first couple weeks and finish the term on the high note it started on. It doesn’t matter how hard we fall, the important thing is to try and get back up. And there is no shame in asking for a helping hand in the process.