Fewer worries, less anxiety: A course in accepting your circumstances

Let’s take a look back. It is the middle of March and my penultimate term as an undergraduate at the University of Oxford is finishing. I have been feeling anxious for a few weeks now as a new virus is entering Europe and wreaking havoc, yet no one in Britain seems to take it seriously. The first case at the University is identified at my college but we are told not to worry, because the official Public Health England guidance states that ‘if people have no symptoms, they are not contagious’. Those words did not age well. Soon enough, the Czech Republic closes its borders and flights and bus connections are cancelled. While I have previously made the decision to stay in the UK in order to prepare for my final exams (which constitute 100 % of my final grade), the knowledge that I am stuck does not help my mental health.

The Easter vacation, which I intended to spend buried in books and studying for finals, is instead filled with uncertainty and a lot more anxiety than my mind can comfortably handle. I find myself unable to focus on ordinary daily tasks and just the thought of revision sends my mind and body into the anxious fight-or-flight state. The uncertainty over what I am to prepare for only depletes my motivation further. When the last term begins, we finally get an idea of what our exams will look like and what the safety net will be. All of our exams will be online and open-book with an extra hour added for ‘technical difficulties’, but only the 6 best papers out of our 8 will count towards our final grade, as long as we achieve a score of 30 and more in them, and a core paper for each of our two courses (Philosophy and Economics for me) is among the 6.

By then I know I am severely underprepared. I am largely unable to find the lost motivation to prepare and instead opt to rely on the work I have done throughout the years and the open-book nature of the exams, since I have always excelled at working out tutorial problems when I had access to information. While I made this decision to avoid extra anxiety induced by attempts to revise with my deteriorating focus, I still end up nearly suspending because of the built-up anxiety. Two days before my exams start, I have a (socially distanced) meeting with one of my tutors to discuss my options. She is lovely throughout, bringing me banana bread and a self-care magazine to read through, offering me words of support and helping me look at everything from a different perspective. We agree that I will start my exams since I have the option to withdraw and suspend in the middle of them if I feel like things are getting out of hand. In the end, I make it through all of them. I can’t say that all went well but I believe I have a very good chance at a decent result.

This was nothing like I imagined. Instead of a big old hall, I wrote my exams in my college room, with papers flying everywhere (I foolishly returned all my books as my loans were up shortly before the library closed down and didn’t manage to borrow them all again, so all I had was my notes, lecture slides, and what the internet could offer), hoping my laptop wouldn’t crash. It was an unusual experience but, in the end, it wasn’t a bad one. I adapted and I survived. And although I have to wait for results for what could be a month or more, I think I did well enough. I might not get the 1st I would be aiming for in normal times but, given these circumstances, a 2.i degree from Oxford is still a pretty impressive feat. And I will be proud of myself no matter the result.

I have learnt a lot academically and I have grown as a person, especially in the last few months. Do I still worry and experience anxiety? Yes. It is a part of who I am. But that does not mean I have to give in to that anxiety and these past months have shown me that I can be strong enough to overcome it. I may have to compromise – choose the best course of action that takes into account my goals and obligations, while also thinking about my mental health – but I am capable of more than I might initially think.

So, what is next for me? There is a lot more uncertainty in the air, but I can handle it. I was offered a place on the Oxford MPhil in Economics course, but I need to get a 1st in my exams and secure funding to meet the conditions of that offer. I am doubtful that all will work out in my favour, but I am fine with that. I plan to spend next year in Oxford in either case and if the master’s study doesn’t work out, I will find a job to gain some work experience and try again next year. Or not, if after that year, I find that I don’t feel like further study can offer me much anymore. The main thing I strive to do now, is to worry less about the future and just accept what I can’t change. Whatever next year has in store for me, I will take it, and I will make the best out of it.